Sunday, 24 June 2007

Useless Tosser

So, award for the most pointless thing in the world? Top suggestions: a wife for Prince Edward; a left shoe for Heather Mills McCartney; a mirror for Ian Dowie; a trampoline for Stephen Hawking.

But none of those come close to a British tennis player who can't get fit for Wimbledon! It's only two weeks in the year for pity's sake - or one week if we stay true to form! What is it that's keeping Never Hurry A Murray out? A wrist injury! Perhaps he should stop tossing his caber!


Apparently Roy Keane was invited to a "Teaching and Learning" seminar recently, designed to improve the average IQ of football managers. The session opened with the teacher saying, "I'd like to explore your vocabulary. Let's begin with the word contagious; who can give me a sentence including the word contagious in context?"

After an explanation of what the words "sentence" and "context" meant, a number of hands were raised. Martin Jol volunteered, "When Carrick got a tummy bug, it proved contagious." The teacher said, "Well done" and gave him all the pies.

Red Stripe Robbo belched and volunteered, "Alcohol Abuse is an illness but it isn't contagious." The teacher gave him a drink as a prize.

Keane then raised his hand and volunteered: "When Mick McCarthy said he was going to turn Wolves into a Premiership team, I said it would take that cunt ages!"

Much Ado About Nothing

Perhaps the Henry transfer will be the spark that will ignite the transfer market. Apart from Parker and Barton and United's big three signings, has anybody actually moved clubs yet? So much speculation, so little action. Are we really in for Wright-Phillips? Who is going to play left back for us next season? Who will partner Ashton up front? Is Tevez coming, going or staying put? What about Nugent? When is Harewood going and to where exactly? Does anybody really want Reo-Choker? When is Bent's appointment for his circumcision?

Some of the money being talked is absurd. That fantastic tournament, the Inter Toto Cup has kicked off and the squads are almost all the same as on the last day of the season. Come on! Let's see the cheque books, it's all getting a bit boring!

All actions and reactions are equal but some actions and reactions are more equal than others!

Is it any wonder kids are struggling with Maths? Einstein is busily rewriting Relativity Theory in the light of current transfer values. Henry, the best player on the face of this earth, is sold for £16m; Darren Bent, nearly an England man, is on his way for the same fee!

The Game's Gone Crazy? You bet it has! In the light of Bent's fee, the £9m we have to pay to play Tevez (even though he's apparently our own player!) seems like great value!

You can stuff nostalgia, Henry was the Best!

All joking apart, what terrible news about Henry. Years ago, when England (boasting Gooch, Gower and Gatting in the batting line-up) were thrashing the Aussies, Matthew Engel wrote an immortal line, "You can stuff nostalgia, this was brilliant!" Va Va Voom should have that as his trademark.

Perhaps Pele was better but then look who Pele had in the team with him and look at the space he was afforded. I saw Cruyff. I saw Maradonna. I saw Best. Thierry is head and shoulders above all of them because the game is now so much faster.

The Premiership will be so much the poorer without him. Henry and Wenger transformed Arsenal from a spluttering Rover into a purring Porsche. Best League in the world? Not if Thiery is playing elsewhere!

No Villa for Reo-Choker

What's this? Villa aren't so keen on Reo-Choker now? So, Nigel, that's Arsenal, Manchester United, Liverpool, Chelsea, Spurs, Newcastle and Villa who have thought, then thought better of signing you. Wonder why that is? Perhaps it's the pouty face? Never mind mate, Sunderland or Birmingham might yet express an interest! Alternatively, you might just face up (hard with that pouty droop) to a few home truths: starting with, you're bloody lucky to be at West Ham!

Now shut up and put up! Give us eight goals from midfield next season and who knows, a mid table team might express an interest!

Charlton Ladies Going Down

Terrible news that Charlton are folding their "Ladies" team in a cost cutting exercise following the relegation of the lads' team. How unfair is that? Of course, it sets up opportunities for cheap jibes at Girly Footy. Not one to pass on an opportunity how about, "Charlton's foray into women's footie goes tits up!" (for starters)? Sad to know that the optimistic chants from the Valley terraces of "Going down, going down, going down" will never again be heard!

Actually, it's a terrible case of missed marketing opportunities. Charlton should have retained bankrupt Dowie as manager and marketed the Girlies' Games under Disney Titles: Beauties and the Beast or Ladies and the Tramp. (Mind you, looking at some of those "Ladies" perhaps Cats and Dogs would be a more appropriate title!)

Friday, 22 June 2007

Nigel Misso-Choker

As patriotic as I am, I must confess to cheering when Nigel Reo -I'm a misunderstood superstar - Choker failed to tuck away his penalty in the shoot out. Shame it was Anton's miserable effort that eventually led to our elimination because I'm sure there would have been knees up Mother Brown parties all the length of Green Street had Reo-Choker's pathetic attempt led directly to our elimination.

Nobody loves me at West Ham! Nobody loves you anywhere in England now Nigel!!!

Come on Villa, let's see the colour of your money! £8m for a guy who sidefoots a pass to the keeper in a penalty shoot out? They must be barmy!

Spin on that Sven

So Keith Harris is brokering the deal to take Sven to City is he? The club has always been a bit of a Donald Duck outfit but fancy employing a guy who has had his hand shoved up a yellow duck's arse for the last quarter of a century to recruit your new manager!

Does Orville know about the new slanty eyed owner? He'd best take care or he'll end up in a pancake with sliced spring onion and cucumber!

Can't wait for Keith's new show - with Sven on his lap. Still I'm sure Sven is already well versed in the joys of fisting after his fling with Ulreka! Isn't that why poor misunderstood Stan Collymore got confused and punched her?

Wednesday, 20 June 2007

Shearer on the piss

Quotation from Big Al:

Shearer added: "I was having a few days away in France with my former Newcastle team-mates Gary Speed and Steve Harper and the wives and I picked up the newspaper. I was having a fantastic day. But when I read Bellamy for Newcastle I thought I would definitely have to have another drink. I had several. "

Sounds to me as if Alan is planning to swap his stripes. Is he in training to become Red Stripe Robbo's assistant at Sheffield United I wonder?

Tuesday, 19 June 2007

Trading Places

So, is Teddy trying to swap his gong? CBE for an MBE? CBE for an MBE?

Those cameras must be bloody good mustn't they if they can't tell Sherringham and Newton apart? How tall is Teddy? 6'1 / 6'2? How short is Newton, 5'6 / 5'7? Then there's the little matter than Teddy is white and Newton is black (except the end of his nose which has been known to be white in the past, allegedly!) Perhaps that's where Bobby Zamora comes in. Perhaps it's like in The Fly. Teddy gets in the car white, drives so fast his molecules rearrange into Zammo, then, as he slows down, he comes out the other side fully cooked as Newton.

What comedian came up with that Honours List I wonder? Was it Bernard Manning's passing shot before heading for the great stand up stage in the sky? Did I tell you the one about the two lesbian angels...or the big fat comedian who climbed the Stairway to Heaven only to discover that the doorman at the Pearly Gates is Jewish!

If Bob Monkhouse was dead, he'd be turning in his grave; for the time being, he's...dead. Isn't he?

Sunday, 17 June 2007

All animals are equal but some are more equal than others!

A friend in need...It's interesting isn't it, the way the Gang of Four has shrunk to the Gang of One? The Wigan chairman made the right noises about supporting Sheffield United's appeal but seems to have gone quiet lately and where are Charlton and Fulham when the Blades most need them? Charlton were happy to do business with us - "Liars and cheats? Never mind, show me the money!" - and Fulham seem to have their minds on another enquiry - like who was behind the murder of Diana and Dodi!

Of course, Charlton's attitude is entirely pragmatic. If they hope for an immediate return to the Premiership, the last thing they want is West Ham relegated with them. Who would you back to win the most matches in the Championship, West Ham or Red Stripe Robbo's Stella outfit? Al Fayed, meanwhile, knows that words are cheap - unless you need a Tory MP to give voice to them in the House of Commons! And I'm sure he has half an eye on business as well. The Bentley Babes are surely more likely to shop in 'Arrods than Red Stripe's Down and Outs.

Snouts in the trough! If Wedgewood Benn was dead, he'd be turning in his grave; for the time being, he's just twitching in his multi million pound mansion!

Saturday, 16 June 2007

Wags and Chavs

With salaries rocketing so high, four of our footballing superstars are feeling so rich this weekend that they are taking their first tentative steps towards a divorce settlement!

Speaking of Chav weddings, what does a Chav wedding and the betrothal of Sir Paul McCartney to Heather have in common? Only in a Chav wedding is the bride legless before the ceremony!

No man is an island!

How did we get Tevez? Well, the story goes that when Luther Missit turned up for his first training session at AC Milan after his big money move from Watford, he was told to take the corners. Not surprisingly, Luther was perplexed and asked why. The Milan coach said, "That's why we bought you - great dribbling, brilliant corners, pin point crosses." Turns out there had been a number change in the programme when the Milan scouts had watched Watford, with Blissett and Barnes swapping shirts. The Mafia had bought the wrong black man! (Be warned Spurs, there are two Bents at Charlton!)

And the relevance to Tevez? Apparently the Argies confused Whitechapel with Whitehall and saw that a guy called Brown was doing the deal. It's no coincidence that maps all over Argentina are now showing the Falklands as the Malvinas!

If dead, Maggie would be turning in her grave. For the time being, she's just twitching on her zimmer frame!

Arise Sir Satan of Baghdad

Interesting Honours List. Salman Rushdie? I'm sure Muslims around the world will appreciate that one! As if Iraq isn't provocation enough!

Maybe whoever nominated him has a poor memory - possibly because he's smoked too much of the stuff that led to Sir Beefy being suspended from test matches!

Will Sherri get his gong in a dentist's chair? Or has he bedded one of the judges?

Oleg Gordievsky? Well there's a poke in the eye for Putin. As if he needed one!

And David Starkey? Who says manners count for nothing in modern day Britain?

Poor old Becks - you would have thought playing away with Rebecca Loos would have been disgraceful enough to secure his knighthood. I'm sure when down on her knees Becca would have said to Golden Balls "Arise sir David" if her mouth hadn't been full at the time!

If Barrymore was dead, he'd be turning in his grave; for the time being, he's just twitching in somebody's anus.

Threesomes, strange bedfellows, dogs and the pricking of thumbs

More quotes from the bard for football clubs:

For Newcastle after pairing Barton with Dyer under the subtle leadership of Big Sam: "Cry "Havoc," and let slip the dogs of war."

For Portsmouth: "Cry God for 'Arry, England and St George!" (As in George Graham, the patron saint of bungs?)

For Newcastle: "Dear Duff"! (Banquo in Macbeth)

For Arsenal as Arsene shows increasing signs of having lost his marbles hall: "Who can be wise, amazed, temp'rate, and furious, Loyal and neutral in a moment? No man." (And specifically after Wenger's waving of his handbag at Pards) "Th'expedition of my violent love outran the pauser, reason. Here lay Flamini, his silver skin laced with his golden blood and his gashed shin looked like a breach in nature, for ruin's wasteful entrance. There the murderers, steeped in the claret and blue colours of their trade; their boots unmannerly breeched with gore. Who could refrain?" (Macbeth)

For Liverpool, as their fans storm another Champions League final: "Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more, Or close the wall up with our English dead!"

For West Ham as we await the arbitration decision: "Pray you now, forget and forgive".

For Newcastle as they await the arrival of Barton: "By the pricking of my thumbs, Something wicked this way comes." (or for whichever club signs Bellamy!!!!!)

For Sheffield United following their relegation: "Out, damned stripes! Out, I say!" or "When beggars die there are no comets seen".

For West Ham in celebration of threesomes (shared ownership or third party involvement to you and me!): "What's mine is yours, and what is yours is mine."

Another for the Hammers: "Frailty, thy name is Ashton!" or for Newcastle, ""Frailty, thy name is Owen!" or for Spurs, "Frailty, thy name is pressure!"

For Liverpool if they sign Owen again and partner him with Crouch: "This is the short and the long of it" or from Owen's point of view, "Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows".

For Portsmouth in the light of 'Arry's club 'surprisingly' being "somewhat mentioned" in the bung enquiry: "Something is rotten in the state of Football."

For Man City after the sacking of Pearce: "Not that I lov'd England less, but that I lov'd City more". (Julius Caesar)

For Fulham after the sacking of Coleman: "So wise so young, they say do never live long" or "Et tu, Al Fayed" or what Fulham fans will cry to their chairman under "Long ball Sanchez": "I am dying, Egypt, dying"! (Or is this just an anthology of Diana's last words?)

Friday, 15 June 2007

Monopoly Money & Vampire Slayers

I've said it before and I'll say it again, Curbs is one bloody lucky manager! £17 million for Bent? The Charlton board must have thought all their Christmases had arrived at once! Thank God he refused to join! Now perhaps Curbs can get a sense of perspective. £12 m for Defoe was over the top but was at least "in the ball park". There must be better value out there somewhere. Look at McCarthy, he only cost £2.5 million and, unlike Bent, he scores regularly and has a good fitness record. Surely there's another one like that out there somewhere! How much do United want for Saha? What about Yakubu? Or Nugent? Isn't he worth a punt at a price between 5 and 7 million? For heaven's sake Spurs only paid £11m for Berbatov!!! How about Van Helsing from Celtic? Or Freddie Kanoute - apparently he can be had for £7m!

Come on Curbs, we are still more Whitechapel and the The Old Kent Road than Mayfair and Park Lane! It comes to something when Liverpool can't match the salaries we're offering! If 'Arry was dead he'd be turning in his grave! For the time being, he's just twitching on the touchline!

Thursday, 14 June 2007

Great Thai Starter!

Tasty opening fixtures! Birmingham away to Chelsea - I predict five goals for the Billionaire's Blues rather than the Blue Movie Blues; Big Sam (with Barton and Dyer) away to Mini Me's leftovers - I predict five red cards!

And Sheffield United? That's a home fixture with Colchester United for you Blades despite your howls of protest. Still with Red Stripe Robbo in charge does it really matter who you're playing? Cheers, the Colchester fans are banking on the three points already!

And for the mighty Hammers? Well bring on Man City! Who knows, by then they MAY have a manager and an owner. Then again they may not! What they won't have is Barton! If we can't get three points from this one, we are going to struggle!

Spring Roll on August!!!!!!!

Thieving Bleedin' Scousers!

Not content with hub caps, cars, credit cards and their own kids' tickets for the Champions League final, those bloody scousers are now trying to steal players. One million for Yossi? What a joke!

Epileptic Games

Why all this controversy over the 2012 London Olympics logo? Has the whole nation failed to spot Blair's master plan? Recognising that we don't stand a "Watford in the Premiership's" chance of winning any golds in the real games, Blair is hoping to turn the whole nation epileptic so we can increase our medal haul in the Special Olympics. This perhaps explains why MRSA is running unchecked through our hospitals - every lost leg is another potential medal! Before we know it Heather Mills will be the "Face of our Olympic challenge".

Sorry, bad taste I know. Only pulling your leg Heather!

Mind you, if that's bad taste, I've just found this on the net (and it's true!) : "Born in January 1968, Heather Mills McCartney is a Patron of Adopt-A-Minefield"; you couldn't write it could you? There's your minefield Heather, hop to it!"

Wednesday, 13 June 2007

We bear a charmed life (continued)

More Shakespearean slogans for football clubs (see below for the originals)

For Sunderland as Roy Keane starts to learn some hard truths about what a £20m transfer kitty will buy you: "There ’s small choice in rotten apples". (Taming of the Shrew)

For West Ham if Curbs wastes £18 million on Bent, "Oh I am Fortune's fool!" (Romeo and Juliet)

For Man City upon finding that their Thai Green Curry Abramovich has had his "assets frozen" (how painful does that sound?): "Nothing can come of nothing". (Lear to Cordelia) or "Oft expectation fails, and most oft there where most it promises." (Ironically "All's Well that Ends Well"; not a phrase oft associated with the blue half of Manchester!)

For Birmingham: "I have a kind of alacrity in sinking." (Merry Wives of Windsor)

For Reading as they enter the second "difficult season" having hoped themselves out of Europe this year: "Be not afraid of greatness" (Twelfth Night)

For Blackburn: "All the infections that the sun sucks up from bogs, fens, flats, on Savage fall, and make him by inch-meal a disease" (The Tempest)

For Spurs and Arsenal jointly: "A plague o' both your houses!"

Tuesday, 12 June 2007

Inquest Fixing Scandal

Rumours abound of a Pakistani betting ring collecting millions in winnings following the shock announcement that Bob Woolmer died from natural causes. With strangulation at odds on and poisoning at evens, natural causes was the 8-1 outsider of three. A shell shocked bookie said, "There have been some very suspicious betting patterns, not least from members of the local police force. We are calling for an urgent inquiry and are suspending settlement of all bets pending a ruling."

At least Woolmer can now be cremated. It is understood his ashes will be kept in an urn and that Pakistan will play Ireland every four years for the new trophy. A spokeman said, "The games might not be as big as the England Australia matches but, given the size of Bob's belly, the urn will be a bloody sight bigger!"

Sunday, 10 June 2007

Queudrue Believe It?

So Reading have turned down our bid for Shorey. Well, let's just pick up Queudrue instead. You can bet your life that 'Arry will be sniffing now Frank has announced he wants out of the Cottage but surely West Ham will have more appeal? He has to be a better bet than McCartney who, even on his very best days, looks about as one footed as his namesake Heather.

Thursday, 7 June 2007

Horrorshow Toons

So the Bowyer Barton axis is not to be. A&E Departments across London are breathing a sigh of relief! But Barton and Dyer? Now that is a promsing combination. Plenty of the old ultra violet promised there. Real horrorshow my droogs, real horrorshow!

On the subject of Dyer, just how many ten minute caps has he now collected? Has anybody ever averaged less time on the pitch per cap? I saw Ripley last two minutes once but Dyer has specialised in the role of the late and sometimes late late replacement. He must have been in a cold sweat when the right back role was mooted. "But boss, I might have to run around for more than twenty minutes!"

Allardyce, Barton and Dyer in the same dressing room! They won't be blowing a whistle but ringing a bell when it all kicks off! Front row seats at St James' Bloodbath are already being renamed "Ringside"!

Tuesday, 5 June 2007

We bear a charmed life

Shakespeare quotes as slogans for Premiership Clubs:

West Ham: "Tevez or not Tevez? That is the question" or, in view of how everybody now sees us, "Now you gods stand up for bastards!" (Edmund in King Lear) or in the light of our impossile escape "We bear a charmed life". (Macbeth) or "Then was the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by this sun of Argentina." or a cautionary tale, "Neither a borrower nor a lender be; For loan oft loses both itself and friend"!

Spurs: "Hath not a Jew eyes, hands, organs, senses, dimensions? If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not capitulate in the last game of the season, handing our Champions League place on a plate to our bitterest rivals?" (Shylock, Merchant of Venice)

Chelsea: "We are a club more sinned against than sinning" (Lear in Lear) or "Friends, Roman, countrymen, Lend us your billions" (Mark Anthony in JC) or with the Special One in mind, "Though this be madness, yet there is method in it."

Arsenal: "Cry God for Henry, France and Saint Joan!"

Liverpool (in the light of their most recent attempt to re-enact Heysel: "Will all great Neptune's ocean wash this blood clean from my hand? No, this my hand will rather the multitudinous seas incarnadine, making the green one red!" (Macbeth)

Man City (in the light of Ranierri's defection): "O Claudio Claudio, where for art thou Claudio?"

Sheffield United under Warnock: "Out, out, brief candle! Hope is but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the Premiership stage and then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing" (Macbeth) or "By foul play, as thou say'st, were we heaved thence" (The Tempest) or "Hag-seed, hence!" (The Tempest)

Sheffield United under Robson: "Drink, Sir, is a great provoker of three things, nose-painting, sleep and urine. Lechery, it provokes, and unprovokes: it provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance." (The Porter in Macbeth)

Bolton: 'Tis a team, sir,I do not love to look on." (Miranda in The Tempest) or "O, woe is me,To have seen what I have seen, see what I see!" or "They have been at a great feast of football, and stolen the scraps."

Derby: "The old black ram is tupping your white ewe" or translated, "Be careful, your chairman is shafting your manager!"

Blackburn: "All hail McCarthy, once of Porto, All hail MaCarthy now of Blackburn, All hail MaCarthy that shall be at Chelsea hereafter." (Witches in Macbeth)

Newcastle: "A defence, a defence, my kingdom for a defence."

Man U: "Things won are done; joy's soul lies in the doing."

Watford: "Where the hornet sucks, there suck I; In a Championship hell I lie" (The Tempest) or "The attempt and not the deed Confounds us".

Charlton: "Alas, poor Dowie! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. He hath borne me on his back a thousand times; and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! my gorge rises at it." or "Adieu, adieu" or, with Pards in mind, "The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool."

(Not Premiership I know!)

MK Dons "What's in a name?" (Juliet in R&J)

Norwich: "Where are ya? The lady doth protest too much, methinks."

Leeds: "For 'tis the sport to have the engineer Hoist with his own petard" or "He that dies pays all debts".

More to follow!

Monday, 4 June 2007

Bent? He must be!

So Darren Bent wants to join Tottenham! Is this boy mad? Has he heard of Berbatov and Keane? Has the penny dropped that Defoe can't get a kick even though he's scored as many goals as he's played games? So, Bent's not interested in furthering his international career then! He's happy being the "alternative" striker!

Or does he know something we don't? Is Berbatov on his way after all, lured by Madrid, Milan, United or Chelsea?

Bent and Keane. Doesn't have the same ring really, does it? So you cocky Spurs, remember what it says in the Torah, the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. And remember too, you don't get through the pearly gates of the top four if you're Bent!

Red Stripe Robbo Stumbles at the First Bar

So, with the taste of sour grapes in their mouths, the Sheffield United Board went in search of somebody who knows his Chardonnay from his Claret (and blue?), his aperitifs from his chasers and his Fosters from his Stella. Stumble onto stage Red Stripe Robbo, whose first pronouncement as manager was that he intends to get Sheffield United back in the Premiership at the first time of asking. Glad to see, even after a celebratory drink, that the new manager has a better grasp of reality than his Chairman who seems to think the club are still in the Premiership anyway!

Last week Robbo graced 606 with his keen intellect. Asked in a 'just for fun' competition to name the goalscorer in an England game he played in, Robbo was given a clue that included the word "bully" and was played a piece of commentary that gave him the name of the opponents - Czechoslovakia - and the name of the goal's architect, a certain Paul Gascoigne. Robbo, bless him, said, "It can't be Gazza, it was too early to be Gazza" (even though Gascoigne's name had featured three times in the short snippet) and failed utterly to link the "bully" clue to Steve Bull. Never mind, he did spot that the opponents were Czechoslovakia and very nearly managed to pronounce the nation correctly!

How on earth was he given the job? Some believe it was a put up job by the License Victualers Association of Sheffield. I am sure that is untrue. Perhaps the Sheffield United Board noted that Robson has a good track record in the Championship and decided to go with "horses for courses" so giving the lie to their protests that they are still a Premiership club. Let's face it, what Premiership club would be mad enough to appoint a man who has guided Middlesborough and West Brom to relegation?

The Board have appointed the wrong man and they are also blaming the wrong club for their relegation. I thought that Premiership rules required clubs to name their strongest available teams in fixtures affecting promotion and relegation issues. If so, shouldn't Liverpool be in the dock for fielding their stiffs against Fulham? Had Liverpool taken that fixture seriously then the Blades would indeed have survived to die another day in the top division.

Never mind all you Blades fans, the Board have at least appointed a man well versed in the skill of "drowning his sorrows". I'm sure he will keep his players' spirits high, that every glass next season will be half full rather than half empty and that even if the players are cheap, the drinks will be reassuringly expensive. A new slogan for Sheffield United under Robbo? Probably not the best team in the world.

Barton and Bowyer. Beavis and Buthead in Claret and Blue?

So, not content with having "it wasn't me guv, honest" Bowyer on the books, it seems we're now looking to team him up with Joey "I'm not a psycho, that's my brother you're thinking of" Barton. No wonder Reo-Coker wants out of the club. Would you feel comfortable with black skin in that dressing room? I just hope they frisk the players for meat cleavers before they go on to the training ground!

Still, it's an East End tradition isn't it? We've had the Krays and the Richardsons, so why not the Bowyer-Bartons? And it's not as if rucks involving the players are unheard of at the club. There was the Morley bashing the Bishop to his wife's sharp disapproval incident. And of course Hartson, thinking he was a Nazi Boyo, mistaking a little Jewish player's head for the ball. Academy of football? It's beginning to look more like the Long Good Friday! Does our Biscuit Baron know his jellied eels from his pie and mash I wonder?

Friday, 1 June 2007

We're only making plans for Nigel

So Nigel Reo-Coker, you don't feel wanted at West Ham! How much have we been paying you each week? Were you ever dropped? Or played out of your favoured position? Were you stripped of the captaincy?

Well Nigel, you're right, you're not wanted! One goal all season? What sort of return is that from a central midfield player protected defensively first by Mullins and then by Noble? The truth is, NRC, you're a legend in your own mind and have been ever since Sven named you as a back up he never needed for the England World Cup Squad. So what Nigel? Sven took a 17 year old Arsenal reserve and very nearly took Harewood! Wake up, superstar you ain't and if any club is daft enough to offer 8 million, we should snatch their hand off!

Go to Villa or Newcastle and see what it's really like to play in an average team. Arsenal don't want you. Nor do Liverpool or Chelsea or United. Doesn't that tell you something Nigel? You're average mate and average is okay if your heart is in the club. Tevez can moan; Di Canio could moan; Nigel, you ain't got the ability to have the right to bleat.

The Game's Gone Crazy: Confession Time

The Game's Gone Crazy: Confession Time

Confession Time

Time to confess. Following the capitulation to Spurs, I rang 606 to call for the dismissal of Curbishley. My reasoning was as follows: by sending on two forwards and taking off two midfield players he had handed the game on a plate to Spurs - even if we scored, which of course Zamora did - we would be unable to defend the lead - as was proved; he had bought badly - Boa Morte, Quashie, Upson and Davenport are all bad signings; he had failed to inspire the team as the disasterous results were proving; at Charlton Curbishley never won a game after Christmas and we appointed him in december; and the appointment of an ex player as manager rarely works anyway.

On this last point, I was particularly disappointed to see Curbishley and Day returning to the club. Those Hammers fans with a long enough memory will recall that Curbs left the club to join Birmingham (for £275,000) bleating that if you play in midfield for West Ham you're told to give the ball to Brooking and Devonshire - much the way Noble was no doubt being told to give the ball to Tevez! He clearly had no love for the club then so it was hardly a case of the long lost son returning to the fold.

As for Day, well let me tell you a story about him. It was a cold night some time in the late seventies. The first team were playing away to QPR in the FA Cup and the reserves had a fixture in Southampton where I lived. Day, along with Alvin Martin, had been dropped to the stiffs. I stood on the terraces with my transistor radio attached to my ear, watching as the reserves lost 2-0 and the first team were stuffed 6-1. At the end of the match, Day asked me about the first team result and when I told him the score, his face broke into a broad smile and he and Martin did a high five. The truth about a footballer's motivation hit home painfully. Here was I, sick in my soul because my beloved Hammers had been humiliated; here were two of the players I idolised delighted because the result might open the door for their return to the first team. I've never forgiven them since!

Where do I stand on Curbishley now? Well there was an awful lot of luck mixed in with our "great run" at the end of the season: the referee and linesmen in the Blackburn game should be made honoury Hammers; the United players had nothing to play for in the final game; Bolton were in turmoil following the hand over from Big Sam to Mini Me; Wigan were in free fall; Arsenal murdered us and still contrived to lose 1-0. God does support West Ham after all! For the true "spirit", look at that awful performance away to a fully committed Sheffield United. For a true illustration of Curbs' ability to motivate, look at our thumping at Charlton. In the run up to that game it was obvious who was going to win. Pards kept using words like "opportunity"; Curbs was offering excuses and using phrases like "must win" and "we need three points from somewhere". He looked and sounded so down.

So, let's imagine the linesman hadn't ruled in favour of that "goal" that never was at Blackburn. How would our season have ended then? Or what if Arsenal had netted one of their thirty or so chances before Zamora scored at the Emirates? Or what if United had needed to win the last game to secure the Premiership? Or what if Big Sam had still been at the helm at Bolton? I fear that without the players and coaching staff roasting Lady Luck in the back of the team coach we would then have been planning for a local "derby" against Colchester next season! Let's not run away with the idea that Curbishley is suddenly a managerial god. He got lucky, big time!

And where now? Well he has a long memory. He clearly hates Konchesky so he's out. I can only assume that Mullins was caught crapping in Curbs' kit bag. Bowyer is a favourite so it looks like we'll be stuck with him even though he must be hated by all the black players. Parker? Good signing if we get him but he is another old favourite isn't he? I'm wondering if Curbishley has any fresh ideas, any vision? Tevez and Lady Luck saved us this year. Trouble is, will either be wearing Claret & Blue next season?